She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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