she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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