Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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