I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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