My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
