he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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