Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
