He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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