Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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