so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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