Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
