wrigley field is MILF paradise
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
