...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
