hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
