So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
