There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
