funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
