I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
