I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
