that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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