I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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