Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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