i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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