Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
