guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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