It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
