So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
