new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
