Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So here I am, sexting at work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
