Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I want her autograph on my taint
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
