Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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