Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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