I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
