Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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