Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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