Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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