I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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