He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
