i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
