True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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