you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
