yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
