My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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