I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
