Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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