can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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