He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
