Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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