I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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