What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
