Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
