I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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